How To Stay Stressed

• Stress helps you seem important.

  Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very crucial.

• It helps you to maintain personal distance and avoid intimacy.

  Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not much fun to be around anyway.

• It helps you avoid responsibilities.

  Obvoiusly you're too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.

• It helps you avoid success.

  Why risk being "successful" when by simply staying stressed you can avoid all that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won't ever be a threat.

• Stress also lets you keep your authoritarian management style.

  The authoritarian style of "Just do what I say!" is generally permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style all the time.

Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you practice the following clinically proven methods:

• Never exercise.

  Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.

• Take plenty of stimulants.

  The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, an cola will continue to do the job just fine.

• Eat anything you want.

  Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely to.

• Avoid "woo-woo" practices.

  Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone, Protestant or not.

• Get rid of your social support system.

  Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that work comes first. Concern yourself with friendships only if you have time (if you have time, your obviously not working hard enough). If a few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.

• Don't trust anyone.

  You can only really know what people think of you by thoroughly examining every thing they say: interpret every comment in the worst possible way. There's no such thing as an innocent remark! For added stress, replay conversations in your mind while you lie in bed at night. And remember: sooner or later, people will discover you don't really know what you're doing.

• Become a workaholic.

  Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.

• Keep your work in mind at all times.

  Be sure to avoid fun or recreation. If you can't avoid a social event, remember to feel guilty that your not working.

• Throw out your sense of humor.

  Staying stressed in no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.

• Males and females alike - be macho.

  Never ask for help. Don't leave tasks to other incompetents: if you want something done right, do it youself! As a bonus, try to take on other people's responsibilities as well.

• Discard good time management skills.

  Scedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then worry about it all whenever you get a chance.

• Procrastinate.

  Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of stress. Just keep telling yourself "This is how I get my best work done."

• Worry about things you can't control.

  Always think of the big picture. Worry about the stock market, politics, earthquakes, the parade of injustices every week on 20/20, the approacing Ice Age... you know, all the big issues.

and last, but not least,


• Become not only a prefectionist but set impossibly high standards and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when you don't meet them.